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Friday, August 28, 2009

Blood, Kinky Sex & the Teen-aged Vampire Mom

I just do NOT get it. I think the new obsession with sparkly, sex-crazed vampires is officially OUT. OF. CONTROL. I mean I get vampires, I LOVE vampires actually, but I do not get why, as of late, the bandwagon is seemingly chock full of those I would deem as VAMPIRE IMPOSTERS *

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

In truth, it may be completely unfair for me to make this statement since I have neither read the Twilight books nor seen the movie and have only attempted to view True Blood once (I'll get to why later). HOWEVER, I do know a bit about what goes down in both stories, the first being about a young girl who gets all swoony and starry eyed over an Undead prettier than a pegasus. They have this ongoing thing where she is torn between good/evil and in the end gets knocked up by said vampire (and although a fictional series I cannot help but have issues with the plausibility of this act) which all comes from a series of books directed towards CHILDREN and young adults. As you can tell, there are a few issues here which bother me. 1.) How exactly does one of the Undead inseminate a living human? and 2.) PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE tell me how this is appropriate content for the targeted audience of young pre-pubescent girls who are already inundated with age-inappropriateness via the Miley Cyrus' and Brat's dolls of our popular culture? I mean, is it such a good idea to put the idea of teen pregnancy as romantic refuge into the mind of an already highly hormonal young person? (According to my extensive research; i.e. yahoo answers and wiki, Bella, although married, is 18 in the final book and therefore very much a teenaged vampire mom. So I repeat, WTF?)

Ooooooooookay, onto True Blood. Let me just say that I was as excited as the next Vamp-O-Phile (yes, I AM a total loser) when the ads started running and word was spreading that this was the coolest new show, blah blah. Yeah, well first off, we don't have HBO anymore, we must have at one point though, maybe it was a free trial, ANYWAY we must have because we started watching the pilot episode right around the time it first aired. Now, I recall only half watching it, I think people were over and it was on in the background but I was definitely sitting on the couch and the TV was in front of me and within 20 minutes or so the show went from: I might be able to get into this. Louisiana Bayou locale? Check. Copious blood sucking? Check. Rampant Skin-emax worthy gratuitous sex action? Che-WAIT!!! Just wait one bloody second. What is this show about exactly? Then a wave of understanding washed over me. Oh ok, I get it, it's soft-core set to a vampy backdrop. Yeah, these vampires suck blood AND have sex! Well, how nice for them. I'm not Prudence McChaste or sexually repressed or anything but I just can't get with sex-having vampires. Also, I found what little I saw of the show to be kind of boring… SOR-RY.

I can't help that I am old school in this regard. I read all of the Anne Rice Vampire Chronicles and one of the first things you discover is vampires don't have sex, not because they wouldn't like to, they physically CAN-NOT. Which also means that vampires, preternatural creatures of the Undead variety, cannot impregnate anyone. Do you hear me Stephenie Meyer? Now I know, I KNOW, vampires are all make-believe but just follow along with me here for a moment while I try to make some sense out of the fictious and absurd. So the Anne Rice vamps are decidedly evil and blood-lusty. That's right, their lust manifests itself in the blood taking and its pursuit. It's abstract and veiled and subversive. There is even a particularly steamy scene in the book Pandora in which the title character, not yet "changed" meets up with her old lover, a newly made vampire, and attempts to get it on with him. He explains that her attempts are futile as his "member" too, is dead much like himself and they proceed to passionately bleed and feed. Personally, I prefer this type of imagery compared to the lurid visuals of flesh pounding on flesh a'la True Blood. If I wanted to see that, I'd just watch porn.

* I know I'm going to make like ZERO friends and most likely alienate the ones I currently have with this declaration but I'm sticking with my words. For now.

Filmic vampire portrayal I approve of:

Interview with the Vampire (Queen of the Damned - not so much, sorry Aaliyah R.I.P.)
Near Dark (first vamp flick I ever saw, left an indelible impression although the ending IS pretty cheesy)
Let The Right One In (possibly the BEST vampire movie I have ever seen)
30 Days of Night (the Bee will consistently change the channel to this movie everytime it's on the tube)
The Lost Boys (2 Coreys + a Sutherland = I'm sold.)
Dracula (Gary Oldman? Yes, please!)
Nosferatu: Phantom der Nacht (Kinski is the ultimate creep and I say that with the utmost fondness and love)
Blade (he's like Buffy only more badass bc he's 1/2 vamp)
What are some of YOUR favorites?

UPDATE:
In a twist of the fates, I received the first season of True Blood (on Blu-ray, no less) as a gift just one day after this post was written. I have already begun to eat my words since yesterday we started watching and so far, so good! Still, I am not entirely sure if I am crazy-in-love with the characterization of the vamps in the show but I will admit that I am starting to wish I had HBO...

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