Friday, September 25, 2009

Shirt Tales

Blast from the past, kids!

I have fond memories of this show, though I would have been VERY young when it first aired through '82-'84. I can clearly remember having a Shirt Tales card game and always wanting to get the Pammy Panda card, probably because she was the "pretty" one. However pretty a cartoon panda bear can be...

So here's my question - What exactly IS a Shirt Tale?

Monday, September 14, 2009

Thoughts on the 2009 VMA's…

Let me start off by saying I basically watch the VMA's anymore for the same reasons one feels the need to gaze somewhat morbidly at an accident on the side of the road. I don't have a vested interest in the brand of entertainment or who is up for an award anymore. It is no longer the same show it once was and I know it. Perhaps it's the inner adolescent inside who simply refuses to accept defeat and grow up and away from a cultural staple of my youth. Last night's show proved to me that I should have walked away a long, long time ago.

First things first. Let me just list a few MAJOR problems I have with the show and its production value:

1. They are called the VMA's. NOT the VMA awards. It makes absolutely no sense to call it that and I heard both Russell Brand (the presenter) and Taylor Swift (the first award winner) use the redundant terminology within the first 45 minutes of the show. I know Brand, as a Brit, may be less than familiar with the linguistic formula for this particular award show but he's the fucking presenter and should have, at the very least been prepped with a few VMA basics.

2. While we're on the subject of Brand as the presenter of this awards show, can we really even consider what he did as "presenting"? He was used more as a comic (albeit poorly crafted) filler between performances and awards. Now, I actually like Brand. I think he's funny in an overtly but not seriously offensive sense using his charming pervi-tude to gain notoriety and carve out a niche for himself. However, I still don't understand why MTV thought to bring him back after last year's wholly unfunny spectacle. Are the people at MTV purposely sabotaging their programming?

3. So, this is an awards show, or so it was some 10-15 years ago. Funny though, I watched the majority of the 2+ hour show and saw about 5 awards given out. I can remember when the show had SO MANY awards that they couldn’t fit their presentation into the allotted time and would give them out many in the pre-show. I can also remember a time when I knew like ANY of the songs/performers being applauded in the evening. Damn you, old age. Here's a flashback moment: Do you remember when they used to have artists perform on the top of the Radio City marquee during the pre-show? I can remember the first year they did it with Silverchair in 1995 (I think) and boy oh boy how I luuuuuuurved Silverchair. The next year they had No Doubt on the marquee, the following year Foo Fighters. All of those bands being just totally the shit to me at the time. I suppose I'm at least 10 years out of MTV's median demographic these days but I can't help but feel like music just used to be better then. Which leads me to my next point…

4. I don't think I'm all THAT old yet but I certainly feel so after watching that mess last night. I suppose this may speak more about my personal musical tastes than the quality of programming on MTV anymore (or does it?) but I can honestly say I had never heard (in their entirety) any of the songs nominated under the Best New Artist category. That's right, I can genuinely say I've never blessed my ears with the full club version of Lady Gaga's "Poker Face". I may be the only one left. Hey, at least she won that category because I had no CLUE who the rest of those people nominated were.

5. Here's where it gets tricky… You see, I'm not trying to say that all the music honored last night was trash. I have my opinion and I suppose the millions of MTV watchers have theirs but boy-o do they differ. That's fine though, the world would be extremely boring if we all agreed the same things were interesting. There is one infallible declaration that needs to be made here: Kanye West is a 1st Rate, Prime Cut brand of all American Douche-Nugget. That guy totally sucks. I'm not even talking about his music, which does little for me personally, but as a person he resides at the highest summit of suckery. This isn't the KMA's buddy, so sit the fuck down and deal with the fact that life is just so damn unfair! hmmpf!! waaaaa!!! Go tell it to someone who cares. Also, wtf was the deal with the dude with the headseat who so awkwardly ushered Taylor Swift offstage while the production team (uselessly) tried to cover it up with the Tracy Morgan/Eminem skit after that whole debacle? Like, couldn't they have just cut the feed to the mike, killed the lights and had someone discreetly take Taylor off the stage and away from His Rantness? No, and you know why? Because this is all MTV lives for anymore. They no longer have any music credibility so they need to fluff their content with as much self-made drama as they can cram into a pointless evenings worth of events.

ANYWAY, the highlight of the show last night, for me anyway, was the speech Madonna gave in tribute to MJ. Let me preface this by saying that I basically stopped being a fan of Madonna's somewhere after her Bedtime Stories album, which I loved ~mmmm mmmm, something's coming over meeeeeee, my baby's got a secret…~ Yeah, that was good stuff. She's since become more a caricature of herself then anything resembling the Madonna I used to know AND I don't really dig her new muzak either but I think what she had to say about MJ was extremely sweet and touching and although I think the media AND public (that's right I'm blaming everyone here) have really turned his life and tragic death into a circus, it was nice to hear a sincere word about the man from a true peer.

All in all, I thought the show was pretty crappy. Not that I'm too surprised. I'm just salty because I miss the old brand of crappy that the VMA's used to display. You know, like dropping a saggy assed Howard Stern onto the stage as Fartman or I dunno, when they used to honor actual music and not laud praises to artists who over use auto-tune. Ugh. I'll only win this argument in my mind. I am up against a new generation of pop music and apparently pop culture because I couldn't really give a damn about the new Twilight trailer either.

I fear the unavoidable silence following this statement but puh-leese tell me I'm not alone here…

Thursday, September 10, 2009

The Devil Will Be Airbrushed

In lieu of having anything new, fresh or hip to offer the cool kids on the innernets, I present you with a never addressed letter that was written (almost one year from today) by yours truly to the one and only spectacularly talented and all around 1st rate genius, Brooke Hogan. This letter was constructed in response to the truly thoughtful and mind bending quote the Brook-enator spewed at a reporter when asked her feelings on the prospect of the USofA having a female President:

You know what? I am actually not that much into voting. I think it's kinda crazy that a woman is running, because I think that women deal with a lot of emotions and menopause and PMS and stuff. Like, I'm so moody all the time, I know I couldn't be able to run a country, 'cause I'd be crying one day and yelling at people the next day, ya know?

Oh dear, sweet, pea-brained Brooke. You spout such wisdom, and it's like you don't even try! I liken you to a modern day Susan B. Anthony, rocketing the female sex to new heights of empowerment, what with your wholly inappropriate need to pole dance publicly in front of your father and gracing us with not only a contemporary musical masterpiece, but allowing us to view the true work of art which is the album cover.


Let us pray...

Dear Brooke,

Lately I have been reading about your disinterest in voting for a candidate in our upcoming Presidential election. Typically I would find this assertion abhorrent and completely irresponsible, but in this particular instance, I fully support your choice to abstain.

PLEASE, I beg of you, DO NOT vote if you have no idea what is going on in the country that you reside. PLEASE, do not subject our nation to any further damage by casting a ballot out of blind ignorance. We do not need another term of misguided rule sponsored by the union of a complacently unaware America.

I feel very sorry for you and your indifference towards your personal right & responsibility to vote that many have fought so tirelessly to obtain for you and the rest of the citizens of our country. It seems a shame that in a modern, supposedly forward thinking culture such as ours that someone, like you, chooses to live in simple oblivion.

Do yourself a favor, pick up a book or read a paper (you could do as little as open up the main page on AOL to obtain even the most basic news information pertaining to the world we live in) and stop making such a fool of yourself.

Why do I bother spending my time writing this? Perhaps I was once as careless as yourself; maybe I just want the world to be a better and more informed place and figured you were as good as any fool to attempt to reason with.

As the older sister of an 11 year old, I fear for her and the many other nubile young minds of America who may, so unwisely, look to you and the rest of the cele-brats as some sort of role model. Is intelligence passé in your circle of friends? If so, be a trendsetter (for once) and add “use brain” to your list of important things to do, you know, squeeze it in somewhere between “live off daddy’s fame 4-eva” and “check implants for leaks”.

So, when you sit at your computer to check your MySpace page and "Google" yourself for the day, I hope this letter will find you and you won't be so much offended as inspired to make a personal change.

Now go forth Brooke Hogan! Find some self respect and get a REAL life (preferably one that people won't laugh at.)

Best of luck!

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

18 Kids and ENOUGH Already!

The Duggar family seriously needs to QUIT IT. I'm not even referring to their need to propagate and fill the world with as many baby Duggars' as their overworked reproductive organs can manage. That being said, the first utterance that escaped my lips after hearing Monday morning's Today Show teaser of "We've got the Duggars' here and they've got some BIG news!" was a guttural "UGGGHHHHHH", followed by an under-the-breath "fame whores". Now, my feelings stand that as long as the children are being provided & cared for adequately it's really none of my business how many millions of children they decide to pop out. But, SERIOUSLY? Do these people actually need to announce the conception of every one of their children/grandchildren on national television? Furthermore, how is this news? Aren't we just to expect that any BIG news from the Duggars' is, in one way or another, baby related? Sheesh.

I've never felt the need to say word one about the Duggars' and their lifestyle or their show for that matter. I actually watched an episode once and it wasn't the worst thing I've ever seen on TV and while we're on the subject neither was My Name Is Earl so exactly what kind of crap are you trying to pull, NBC?! Oh shoot, I've lost my train of thought again... all aboard? Ok, so they are totally less fame whore-y than Jon & Kate and Nadya Suleman combined but they are still riding that same gravy train. Oh man, two train idioms in one post is choo-choo much! (Have I mentioned I'm a bit of a dork? No? But you could tell anyway? Thought so…) Now that we've established this let's get back on track… aaaaaaaaand that makes three and I am officially insufferable. Now maybe their initial intentions for documenting their lives on camera were NOT to whore out their family but 1 TLC series, 5 birthing specials & too many to count televised birth announcements later, I can't help but wonder if all that payout isn't turning the Duggars' greedy for the profits from yet another mini money maker.

You know what I think would make better television? A family who, much like the Duggars', has the emotional & spiritual health and fortitude to raise a huge brood, but decide after having say half a dozen biological children, that "Hey, we love kids, right? We'd like to have an absurdly huge family, eh? Well, aren't there literally THOUSANDS of babies & children who are already born who need a loving home and family? I know, let's adopt!" The Duggars' claim that they are following God's plan by having copious amount of children by eschewing any and all birth control methods. All I'm saying is, if you want a slew of kiddies, that's fine, but how about being a little more selfless and a lot less irresponsible (God's plan or no, if everyone ascribed to the Duggars' methods, pro-Lifers would be A LOT busier) by adopting a child who needs you instead of becoming the human baby mill?

Apparently I DO have an issue with the Duggars' and their "come what may" attitude to reproduction. I can't help it, I think it's a tad on the selfish and unnecessary side. I don't think they are bad people and I applaud them for doing what seems to be a decent job in raising a gaggle of children all at once. To date it seems the biggest detriment unearthed of growing up in the Duggar house is not getting to make-out with anyone prior to your wedding day. That is pretty brutal but who knows what kind of psychological damage the children of the decidedly screwy Nadya Suleman and the Gosselin's will have in store? Just think, if Octomom (god, that name is repulsive) had decided to adopt 8 children instead of paying for her IVF doctor's 3rd condo in Boca, people would still regard her as a nut job but an admirable nut job (with a penchant for bad plastic surgery). That and she'd be this much closer to living her dream of becoming the clone of St. Angelina the Holy Savior of the Orphaned.

Praise be.