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Wednesday, March 31, 2010

American Idol Recap! Top 10 Finalists

I'm sorry.

This is not going to be very good.

It's probably not a good idea to start a post with saying "I'm sorry" but my mind is about to explode all over the innernet and I can barely muster the strength to write this post. Hopefully you can look past this moment of weakness on my part and we can still be friends. Also?

I'm sorry.

Ready? OK.

It's R & B/Soul night!
Yay!

Usher as celebrity mentor!
Meh.

Wearing sunglasses indoors!
Why?

Siobhan Magnus goes first tonight with "Through the Fire" by Chaka Khan. Her singing starts of flat and just gets worse from there. You'll have to excuse me because I'm having the hardest time focusing on anything but her heinous choice of outfit. She seems to be sporting shin guards and a poorly positioned dinner napkin stuffed into her crotch area. From the neck up things are fine.

i would have never okayed this...

Thankfully the judges left their typical masturbatory praise for this girl at home because they all agree it was a hot mess. I do feel bad for her because she's clearly trying to hold it together during the judge's critique.

Now for the return of axe-wielding Casey James with his cover of "Hold On, I'm Comin'" by Sam & Dave. He's really working his sass-factor and the ponytail is only helping the cause. I don’t think his performance is anything special but he certainly does seem to be enjoying himself. Maybe a bit too much based on the sexy O-face he busts out mid-way through.


Ellen calls it "consistent" but generic. Simon is now on board the Casey-train with Kara because he thinks it's his best performance yet.

Michael Lynche sings "Ready For Love" by India.Arie. He actually performs BEHIND the judges table which is really weird. This seems to alienate not only the judges but the entire front portion of the audience. I think he sounds really good, as usual. It's a great choice of song and he's finally dressed to my approval. Because, you know, THAT matters. Randy tells him he's "in the zone" and Simon says he can finally take him seriously as a performer.

Have I mentioned that Ellen looks a helluva lot like Pee-wee Herman tonight?


Because she does.

Didi Benami sings "What Becomes of the Broken Hearted" by Jimmy Ruffin. I suppose we should prepare for some tears because during rehearsal she certainly lets the waterworks flow for Usher. He finds it touching, I find it crazy that she's even considering this song if she can barely get through it without getting choked up. Maybe she overcompensated with the drama to cover her nerves because this performance is rife with theatrics. This is not in any way a good thing. She certainly looks pretty but she's kind of singing like a psycho.

Ellen thinks it's over-dramatic and Simon tells her it was like she was "swimming in jelly".

Exactly?

Ok, now it's time to get serious.

Can someone please tell me what the fuck is wrong with Ryan Seacrest? Does he not get that we can all see him week after week groping Didi in front of the camera? It's really disturbing and in case you don't know what I'm talking about I've prepared some photographic evidence:




Perv-crest is more like it. Look; she doesn't want to touch or be touched by you.

Soooooooooo... stop it.

This poor girl has had her arms and hands repeatedly violated on national television.

Now I feel dirty.

Next...

UGH.

Tim Urban takes on "Sweet Love" by Anita Baker. We all know my thoughts on this toolbox. I'll let the judges take it from here:

Randy puts Tim in his place by up-staging him with his own vibrato-rich attempt at the song. You know things are bad when Randy Jackson as songbird is preferred to what comes out of your mouth. Ellen confirms what I've been saying for WEEKS now when she compares his stage moves to that of a rapey-eyed weirdo "sneaking into a bedroom".

Tim laughs at this.

A LOT.

Simon responds thusly:

That was a completely inappropriate song choice. It was like a mouse picking a fight with an elephant. You're not gonna win but it doesn't matter because you're gonna smile and the audience are gonna vote for you. Nobody cares and you'll be here next week so... well done!
I really couldn't have said it better.

Thank you, Simon.

Do you think Andrew Garcia ever wanted to be called Andy as a nickname but the existence of the Andy Garcia just up and ruined his chance of ever being taken seriously with that name?

I do.

Anyway...

An-drew Garcia sings "Forever" by Chris Brown. I think he may have successfully redeemed himself after last week's wannabe boy-band-er blunder. Randy says his outfit is "mad dope". Simon says it was "miles better" and then follows that by calling him "boring".

Then there's Seacrest who manages to belittle Andrew's mother by speaking to her in English but with an Italian accent complete with exaggerated hand gestures.

I is confused.

Katie Stevens sings "Chain of Fools" by Aretha Franklin.

She finally looks like a 17-year-old girl... who was dressed by Gwen Stefani and her mob of Harajuku girls.


As for the performance? Welllllllllllllllllllllllll...

For REAL, dawg?

I've pretty much tuned out at this point.

Whose fault is this?

Let's just blame Katie...

Randy compares her to Christina Aguilera. The ladies say nothing of note and Simon slams the Xtina comparison by calling her "robotic". Great.

Lee DeWyze covers "Treat Her Like a Lady" by the Cornelius Brothers & Sister Rose. Ok, it's good. He sounds great but I can't shake the feeling that I'm attending a Nickelback concert and I-do-not-want-to-go-to-there.

The judges are creaming their pants over this shit.

That's right. You heard me.

I wrote like 3 sentences after this point in the show. One of them was "oh! the androgyny!" which leads me to believe I was anticipating the arrival of none other than lil K.D. Aaron Kelly but not before good ol'...

Crystal Bowersox sings "Midnight Train to Georgia" by Gladys Knight and the Pips. Ok, maybe no socks rocketed off anyone's feet this week but it was pretty good other than her looking completely terrified on stage without having a guitar. The judges agree and Simon tells her she needs to stick with what she's comfortable with.

Finally we have Aaron Kelly with "Ain't No Sunshine" by Bill Withers.

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!

He seems super confident in the footage we get during rehearsal but seems to lose that edge by the time he's on camera.

You know what? I'm just gonna call it a wrap here because I honestly wasn't kidding about not having written anything else after the androgyny bit so why force it?

My pick to go home? Tim

Because, seriously?

It's. TIME.

TIM.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

American Idol Recap! Top 11 Finalists

Tonight, the contestants sing a Billboard #1 hit.

And get this....
guest mentor?

Miley FUCKIN' Cyrus!!! YEEEEEEEEEEEHAW!

That's right folks, stow away your cynicism for the evening because it's just been proven that life IS good.

During the opening of the show we see Ryan give the remaining 11 contestants the not-so-clear instructions to get the hell off the stage. Instead we see them looking to each other in confusion until they finally get the hint and awkwardly shuffle off to Buffalo.

I mention this not because it's strange but because it is completely typical anymore and sets up this evening's horrific spectacle show perfectly.

It's at this time that Ryan takes to the audience to chat with Miley. In doing so, he proves to all watching that, in the battle of who is more annoying during a televised conversation, he is, forevermore, the victor.

First up for the evening is Lee DeWyze singing "The Letter" by The Box Tops. To my knowledge I have never heard this song before and his performance leaves me thinking that's probably a good thing. Boy sounds like he is pained & dying. Or in the middle of squeezing out a troublesome poo.

Kara tells him his "progress is TREMENDOUS" and makes a questionable gesture with her hands which has me wondering what she's ACTUALLY talking about.

She then asks him: "Can you feel the difference?"

ICK. get a room...

Unlike the rest of the judges, Simon isn't orgasmic about it and calls the performance corny.

Paige Miles sings? "Against All Odds (Take Me Home) by Phil Collins.

This is the first thing I wrote down after things got underway:

Bye, Paige!

This was beyond awful. I think she's really cute but I have a hard time thinking anything can bring her back from the gutter she threw herself in with this performance. Even the bee, who just don't GIVE a fuck about this show, looked over at me to cringe.

Kara, the sweetheart that she is, delivers a deafening blow by telling her it was probably the worst so far of the season.

OF EVERYONE.

Simon asks her how she thinks she did. Paige answers with a series of "definitelys"

Simon then wraps up this mess by saying: "I think that song has just killed you."

YOWZA!

It can't get much worse than that.

Right?!

WRONG.

Tim Urban heeds none of the advice I gave a few weeks back when I mentioned that probably NO ONE should cover a Freddie Mercury vocal unless they sound as good or better than he does. Which is most likely an improbability.

So Tim picks "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Queen.

*sigh*

Do I even need to say how I feel about this?

Fine. It's terrible.

Randy hates it. Ellen says it was "corny & pushed" which, typical!, makes me think of poop because, well, just because...

Kara continues on her crusade to castrate the contestants by telling him that he looked like a fool on stage because he's "not established yet" and therefore should not go into the crowd and mingle with the ladies. Simon calls it "utterly pointless & silly".

Now, I know Tim didn't actually sound worse than Paige but can we PLEASE just send this douche-nugget home already?

PLEASE?!

Sweet little K.D. Lang/Christian Bale hybrid Aaron Kelly steps up next with "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" by Aerosmith. We are told he is sick with something called "Larry Gitis".

At least that's what I heard. Sounds disgusting.

No matter, he still sounds better than Paige did last week when she had ol' Larry in her throat. The producers are definitely trying to mess with his appearance because this week he's rocking double sleeves and collars and Ryan throws out a comparison to David Archuleta. This kid is like the ultimate celebrity mash-up!

Judges love it, all things considered.

Crystal Bowersox takes on "Me and Bobby McGee" by Jackie Jorp Jomp Janis Joplin.

She both looks and sounds awesome. Crystal is clearly the exception to the rule when it comes to covering songs by iconoclastic, otherwise untouchable artists. She owns this performance and does one of the best versions of a Janis song I've ever heard.

Randy goes stark raving mad, screaming praise from the judges table. Kara bitches that she should lose the guitar because it's starting to become a crutch. Simon thinks Kara is a jerk for saying so because he "wouldn't change a thing" and says this cover was on par with the one Pink did.

At least he didn't say she looked like Pink because someone once told me that and I had to break it to them that I didn't find that comparison all that complimentary. *thankyouverymuch*

Next is Michael Lynche with "When a Man Loves a Woman" by Percy Sledge. Michael has gone from wearing what I referred to last week as "Funeral Casual" to "Teddy Ruxpin Lounge Wear" and I'm not sure how I feel about this.

He's a big guy, and he's wearing a chocolate-colored velvet jacket over jeans. I'm just not understanding why wardrobe thought that was a good move. I think he sounds good as usual and I don't doubt he's a definite contender for the finals.

Kara continues her tour of treachery by calling it "lounge-y."

HEY!

Simon agrees.

Moving on to Andrew Garcia with "I Heard it Through the Grapevine" by Marvin Gaye.

In the clip prior to his performance we have Miley suggesting he lose the guitar for once and so he does. Some may think that was a mistake. Personally, I think his singing this song was the mistake. He looks like a deranged Backstreet Boy on stage complete with an obscene amount of finger-pointing and chest thumping.


*quick note*

Has anyone else noticed that this guy is basically named Andy Garcia as in ANDY "Beverly Hills Chihuahua" GARCIA?

Also?

Do you know what the 3rd most popular search item for Andy Garcia is on Google?

Apparently this is not just a rumor.

Andy Garcia was born with a dead baby friend attached to his shoulder.

Also also?

If you search Google Images for pictures of Andy Garcia, some CRAAAAAAAAAAAZY shit shows up on the first page.

Good luck bleaching that image from your brains!

Katie Stevens sings "Big Girls Don't Cry by Fergie which causes both (me) and the bee to wonder what rock we've been living under if Fergie had a #1 song on the Billboard charts.

Whatever.

She's sounds like a tin-man in need of an oil can. I really can't stand it. And I still think she looks old enough to be my mother.

Well, maybe just a mother.

Randy said it was "sharp" which is just the smarty pants word for "sounds like tin-man who needs oil".

Casey James must have listened to "The Power of Love" by Huey Lewis & The News like non-STOP in preparation for this performance. Or maybe this is a Milli-Vanilli moment because at certain points in the song I'm having a hard time differentiating between this version and the original.

This proves to be an area of contention between the judges.

Kara thinks he somehow made the song current while Simon said it was no different from the original.

I think you know how I side on this one...

Weird stuff happens next. I'm talking aside from Ryan getting tongue-tied and calling the next contestant Didi Beneemi.

So Didi Benami is prepped on the stairs in the middle of the stage ready to sing "You're No Good" by Linda Ronstadt when we get to see a very pretty girl make some very VERY ugly faces.


Other than the screenshots above, I think she looks better than ever. I love the hair, the makeup, the whole shebang. As for the song?

I do not like this at. all. The pacing seems waaaaay too slow and drawn out.

Also, it seems like she's using a strange babydoll voice to sing in.

Here's where I look to the bee in preparation for the end of the world as we know it...

Kara and I AGREE on something.

She says it looked like Didi was "playing a character" while on stage and I think she's on the money with that one. It was just weird.

Let's face it. She's a hottie so I'm sure she'll be fine when it comes to the votes.

Last to go is Siobhan Magnus with "Superstitious" by Stevie Wonder.

Ballsy.

I'm seeing shades of Sanjaya and mid-80's Madonna in her choice of coif/dress this evening. I think this is her best incarnation of "punk" so far.

The song?

Eh.

I don't think it's great. As a matter of fact, I think up until this point this girl has been greatly over-hyped. Another thing I'm having trouble dealing with his her need to Lambert-ize every performance. I don't want to hear a shrill banshee squeal every week. I'm not getting her appeal as a singer.

Simon calls her out for being a one trick pony.

EXACTLY.

My pick to go home?

Based on her truly awful performance - Paige.

However... I could also see her getting tons of pity votes because America likes her and in that case:

so long Andy Garcia.

maybe next time, buddy...

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

American Idol Recap! Top 12 Finalists

Here's the deal...

This is gonna be more like a recap of a recap because at this point we all know that the little red-head that could, could NOT and got the boot so why do I even bother?

No matter.

Let's DO this thing!!!

This week the contestants slaughter sing the Rolling Stones.

Michael Lynche - "Miss You"

I like. Is good. Judges agree.

Uncomfortable sexual innuendo is exchanged between Ryan and Simon.

Didi Benami - "Play With Fire"

Imma be honest. I didn't actually see her perform. She couldn't have been that bad bc she wasn't in the bottom three.

The reason she remains a strong contender may be due to her own display of what I like to call "the Casey James factor"

(see below)

Casey James - "It's All Over Now"

Song title is a bad omen. His ability to stay on the show seems to ride almost solely on his looks because everything else about him is riding on my nerves.

Me no likes this.

Lacey Brown - "Ruby Tuesday"

Again, ominous song title/lyrics = ends badly.

Goodbye Ruby Tuesday?

Exactly.

Now we know what happens when a Minnie Mouse voiced cartoon character tries their hand at Idol.

Faux ginger FAIL.

Andrew Garcia - "Gimme Shelter"

I still like him but what I saw of his performance was scary. And embarrassing. Me thinks he could be in trouble...

Katie Stevens - "Wild Horses"

I am very much not a fan of this. Judges love. Whoop dee do.

Tim Urban - "Under My Thumb"

Ew.

Just, ew.

During judging Kara says she "agrees with the guys" after Randy and Ellen say they don't like it.

Fact of the day: Lesbians are not, in fact, "guys"

Kara might wanna watch her mouth before Ellen calls her out for wearing the hair of a silverback gorilla on her chest.

mmmmmkay?

Siobhan Magnus - "Paint It Black"

Gives the standard Adam Lambert caterwaul to end an otherwise dreary/operatic rendition of the song. As with Lambert, I like her, but sort of can't stand her singing.

That being said, she will likely come in 2nd yet have a better career than the winner.

Lee DeWyze - "Beast of Burden"

Ryan completely jinxes his performance by telling the entire world that Lee was "really nervous" about performing tonight.

Idiot.

He wasn't great but he wasn't terrible either. So, eh. I feel like this guy does the same thing every week which leaves me rather bored. Simon reads my mind because he basically says the same thing I just did only in a deeper and more British-y voice.

Paige Miles - "Honky Tonk Woman"

I think the performance is abhorrent until I find out she's suffering from laryngitis and then I just feel bad for her.

She dresses super cute.

Aaron Kelly - "Angie"

I think this kid is adorbs. He is looking less like K.D. Lang and more like Christian Bale every week.

albeit a very pretty lady version of Christian Bale and no, I did not doctor this picture in any way...

I suspect Idol execs are consulting my blog in order to better package the contestants because last week I made fun of Katelyn Epperly's poodle hair and Lilly Scott's heinous knit earrings and they both went home.

So, yeah. I matter!!!

Crystal Bowersox - "You Can't Always Get What You Want"

For the final time tonight it is proven that the titles of songs chosen this week appear to be quite foretelling. I didn't really get what I wanted from this performance because no matter how much I like this girl I did NOT like this.

The night closes with Simon flashing his signature creep wink to Crystal and the camera.

*End Scene*

Thursday, March 11, 2010

American Idol Recap! Top 8 Male Semi-Finalists

Last night's show has me SERIOUSLY questioning why I bother doing these. No wonder Simon is leaving after this season.

This show is appealing to a whole new level of suck as of late. If you ask the bee, he'll tell you it's always been that way but this is also coming from a guy that thinks Vertical Limit is a work of cinematic excellence.

I rest my case.

Alright, let's get to it already...

The show opens with Ryan introducing the contestants as usual, except tonight he gets all UP in their faces, giving the camera all the slow paced, close faced awkwardness he can muster.

The man is clearly a professional.

The boys seem visibly uncomfortable but what boy isn't when forced into close proximity with Seacrest? The Simon/Kara snuggle-lovers situation is breached once again. Ryan to Simon: I think Kara is your binky. This does more to confuse Simon and what I'm guessing is the rest of the world because the only "binky" I'm familiar with is what is often referred to as a pacifier which goes in the mouth of babies when they're suckling.

So, come again?

Whatever.

Lee DeWyze continues to lose points with me because he chooses another song that I can't stand, "Fireflies" by Owl City.

Ugh.

Look. I was once an angsty teenager too and I listened to my fair share of whiny emo but this new breed of whiny emo is utter crap. Apparently the guy who wrote this song, did so from his parent's basement and then went on to gain fame via YouTube.

So, making crappy music in a basement and posting it on YouTube now puts you in contention to land a record deal.

And you know what that means, dontcha?!

Start by pulling out your old diary from Junior High, close your eyes, pick a random entry, add some pre-set beats from your Casio keyboard on top of that and

VOI-LA!

You are, from here on out, famous and guys who are most memorable for looking like David Cooke on American Idol will one day sing your song.

On TV!

And you'll be famous!!!

That tip was free.

The rest I charge for.

You're welcome.

If you can't tell, I'm not a big fan of this guy and you know what that means?

He's gonna do GREAT on this show.

I'm not even paying attention to what the judges are saying because that's how bored I am with this right now.

Adam Alex Lambert sings "Trouble" by Ray LaMontagne. I love this song. Almost as much as I love Ray LaMontagne and his both soft and gritty vocal delivery. Which this performance is kind of lacking, but I give Alex props for both choosing it and singing it to the best of his ability though he continues to look like a deer in headlights every time he gazes into the lens of the camera.Randy wasn't "wowed" by it which causes the audience, as well as Ellen, to boo loudly. Like last week, there is talk of bananas. Ellen ends her critique with these words of wisdom: Don't become a cocky banana.

Duly noted.

Kara then calls him "stiff" and suggests that he "let go".

I'm beginning to wonder if we're still talking about bananas.

Simon mentions something about Randy in a bikini which immediately causes this image to emerge from the darkest part in my mind:

a vast improvement over the original, if you ask me...

Oh, hey there Tim Urban!

What's that you say?

You would like to continue to irritate my musical senses by singing a song which, let's just set this straight now, should really be left untouched due to its near astounding perfection as-is?

Well, then. You done good, kid. Real good.

Tim chooses "Halleluiah" by Leonard Cohen, though he, like Jason Castro did back in Idol Season, oh I can't remember and I don't really care, has decided to cover the version made famous by Jeff Buckley.

Now...

When Jason Castro did it, I thought it was pretty good, though I can't stress enough how much I don't recommend anyone EVER covering this song because when Jeff Buckley touched it he forever changed the way that song was heard and it will likely never be bettered. Maybe one day it will, but it's not gonna be on Tim Urban's watch.

Sorry.

This guy has an unnerving rapey-eyed look to him that makes my skin crawl.

don't give me that face...

So, yeah…

Also?

Ellen is proving herself to be completely ridiculous. Did that performance really warrant her running like a loon to the stage to give this guy a hug?

I mean, REALLY?

Did it?

Whatever, I didn't like it. The judges did. Something is clearly wrong with this picture.

Andrew Garcia sings "Genie In a Bottle" by Christina Aguilera which seems to fall into his recurring theme of taking highly produced pop songs by females and turning them into his own little acoustic ditties. I'll just say I thought it was unimpressive until he got towards the middle and started to work his lower register more. Randy says it "didn't quite work" but he loves his cardigan.

That's helpful.

Ellen adds to my critique with her comment that "The genie came out of the bottle too late". I still like this guy, even though his now incomparable rendition of "Straight Up" during Hollywood week is looking to be the kiss of death for this contestant and the future of his performances.

Next is Casey James with "You'll Think of Me" by Keith Urban.

zzzzzZZZZzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzz…

Oh sorry, what now?

Ok, I'm awake.

It both looks and sounds like this guy is trying really hard to squeeze out a reluctant poo. No surprise here, I find this completely boring if not mildly humorous/uncomfortable. Randy calls it "safe".

And in case you had your doubts, I feel I should clear something up:

Ellen is:

the worst. judge. around.

She rarely, if ever, has anything truly constructive or useful to say to the contestants. She just lauds them with "I love you's" and "I thought I was really great's".

NOT. HELPFUL.

Kara tells us that she's "trying to get back on the Casey train".

Oh, we KNOW.

Simon kind of likes it and I'm doing my best not to let my eyes roll right out of my face.

At least little K.D. Lang Aaron Kelly is next!

He sings "I'm Already There" by Lonestar which I've admittedly never heard before so when I think I hear him sing the lyrics as "Sham Wow on the ground" followed by "and Jah know!" I'm not entirely convinced that my interpretation isn't right on.

I'm also getting a little punchy at this point so I can't really be sure about anything that's going on anymore.

It's here that the bee mentions K.D.'s Aaron's maniacal rocking back and forth stance on stage which makes him look more than a tad mental. It also doesn't help that he mumble-sings through most of the performance which I am shocked the judges failed to address in their critiques. Randy tells him that when he hit his "power zone" he was like "Yo!… What?!"

Truer words?

Never. Spoken.

Ellen doesn't love something for once. Kara tells him he should be "more relevant" and sing a song better suited for a 16 year old. Simon takes a dump on that comment and throws Kara back under the bridge where she belongs.

Todric Hall decides to tackle "Somebody To Love" by Queen which is yet another song that I would not advise ANYONE to try and cover. I mean, have you heard Freddie Mercury sing this song? It's fucking epic. He also has one of the most beautifully powerful voices, in like ever, so trying to one-up that means you are crusin' for a bruisin' to your ego.

I will say that Todric has the best stage presence of any of the contestants. He seems genuinely comfortable and at ease with working the audience and the stage while still delivering vocally. I also like what he's wearing, even though Simon feels the need to point out his "silly gloves".

Again, Simon's taste in hairstyle is just as evolved as his taste in fashion and my feelings remain intact.

The judges generally like it and Simon remarks that "at least he performed" unlike the "boring" showings from some others.

Casey James?

You have officially been SERVED.

And FINALLY, we have Michael Lynche performing "This Woman's Work" by Kate Bush.

*quick note*

I'm really losing steam at this point in the show so little of what I wrote down from last night is coherent. I'm just gonna transcribe as best I can based on the scribble jotted down in my notebook…

Returning from commercial break the camera opens with Ryan frozen in a crouching position, inches from the face of an audience member, awaiting his cue to introduce the next performance, all of which we can see and hear. Trust me, it was weird. Weird, though completely common place anymore. Ryan mentions something about Michael evolving from a "Pussy cat to a Lion" and then quickly adds "Simon's words, not mine"

Right. Like, I'm sooooooo sure.

I think he performs well but I'm more enraptured by his clothing of choice for the evening which seems to be something you might find in the Funeral-Casual section at Macy's, if such a department existed…

note to self: start work on Funeral-Casual clothing line.

ANYWHO, the crowd is standing, the judges love it and Kara?

MY.GOD.

Kara is BLUB-BERING.

The song has brought her to tears.


UGH. these two...

Between the ferocious hugging and the uncontrollable sobbing, the female judges are looking highly unstable this evening. Simon declares this performance is the "best so far of the live shows"

And I thank Jeebus that it's over.

I'm gonna need some real incentive to stick with this for next week because watching tonight's show was BRUTAL.

My picks to go home?

Casey and Tim (mainly because I'm not gonna stop rallying for him to go even though it will probably be Alex)

If I haven't completely turned you off this show altogether, check in next week for another AI Recap!

(maybe)

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

American Idol Recap! Top 8 Female Semi-Finalists

Last night the judges were trying to prove SOMETHING by having Ellen sit on Simon's lap in addition to taking over Kara's usual neck nuzzling position. What that something was, I have yet to determine and furthermore, who really cares?

Perhaps Simon has a real fondness for elfin blondes. If that's the case, it looks like there's still hope for Seacrest yet!

Biggest improvement I've noticed so far over last week?

This show will only be an hour long.

Thank. GOD.

First up tonight, is the aged beyond her years, Katie Stevens singing "Break Away" by Kelly Clarkson. Damn! What happened to her voice? She sounds like a regular Breathy McBreatherson and it's boring and I basically hate it. Ellen complains about her not acting young enough, yet again. Apparently Katie thought that choosing a full on mom outfit to wear tonight would go unnoticed by the judges (and me) but clearly it hasn't. Kara hits her with a verbal bitch slap by telling Katie that "she doesn't know who she is". As in, Katie not knowing who Katie is, not Kara not knowing who Katie is because Kara might be a bitch but it's not like she's Paula.

General consensus: not so awesome.

Onto Siobhan Magnus with "The House of the Rising Sun" by The Animals. This is a great song. It has been covered by a literal TON of really amazing artists so I'm kind of confused why she thought it a good pick for tonight's show. I'm actually trying not to laugh during this because I'm fairly sure this girl is singing this without even a trace of irony. There's no doubt she has some serious pipes, but every time I see her perform it seems like she should be doing so in front of an audience at a road production of Les Mis. Or something. It just seems like she takes herself a little TOO seriously. Again, what do I know? because, guess what? The judges eat that shit up. EXCEPT! Simon who thinks it was "ploddy and boring".

My faith in the world is once again renewed.

The good news for Siobhan?

Her outfit is cute.

So here's when the camera catches Ryan whisper-SCREAMING something about "being as difficult as it seems?" into Siobhan's ear after her performance, because yeah, Ry, we ALL heard you and it was kind of awkward. Which, given the chance, Siobhan would have likely answered:

"Yes, but not as difficult as it is for you to reach the top shelf in the fridge."

That's right folks, I went there.

Now for Lacey Brown with "The Story" by Brandi Carlile. I'm actually digging this. Maybe it's because I've never heard this song before so I am less distracted with comparing hers to the original version. Eh? Maybe. This little anime girl is starting to grow on me. The judges love it which just proves that:

I AM ON FIRE TONIGHT!!!

Ryan introduces the next performance as "Carole King courtesy of Katelyn!" right before the commercial break.

What a tool.

So, thanks to Ryan's unnecessary and highly annoying use of alliteration, we all know that Katelyn Epperly will be doing "I Feel The Earth Move" by Carole King. I immediately wonder if Ellen will confuse a piano for a guitar again.

Nice hair!

I don't mean that.

I hate it.

c'mon, you were thinking the SAME thing

You know what else I hate? This performance. Neither I, nor the earth are moved by this. Randy finds it sleepy/boring. Ellen loves to steal my material because she just addressed the whole piano/guitar confusion controversy from last week, which was really just a way of skirting around the fact that she wasn't impressed with the performance either. Kara didn't feel she had the 'in it to win it' spirit. Simon likes her hair.

Well, guess what?

He has a terrible haircut, so what does he know anyway?

I do like her jumper.

I would put it in my closet.

Also, her bird necklace is pretty sweet.

See? I can be nice.

Didi Benami attempts to redeem herself after last week's mess with "Rhiannon" by Fleetwood Mac. This is another amazing song choice and I think she really does it justice. That being said…

Ingrid Michaelson?

Anyone?

I'm saying that I think she sounds just like her with a leeeeettle bit of Frente! peppered in the mix.

This is not a bad thing, per se, just kind of distracting and may prove to be her downfall in future weeks.

We shall see.

ANYWHO, Ellen obviously likes it because she throws out a "Yes, Indeed-y, Didi!" which causes (me) to throw up a little in my mouth.

At this point in time I am trying DESPERATELY to pick apart Kara's outfit.

Alas, I find her completely inoffensive as of yet.

you win this time, DioGuardi…

Next, Paige Miles with "Smile" by Charlie Chaplin? Really? It is now clear to me that I need to do some extensive research on Sir Charles Spencer Chaplin because I was clueless about his musical virtuosity. Also, it's the only thing to keep me from DYING of embarrassment for this girl and her performance because, that's how bad it was. Honestly, I'm not being mean here. I think this girl just bought her ticket home.

Ouch.

Based on their critiques, the judges were equally as uncomfortable as I was watching it. Simon refers to it as a "peanut performance" which in reality, is a MAJOR diss to Mr. Peanut because he never fails to entertain, quite unlike Paige.


always entertaining

Crystal Bowersox blows the sox off of "Give Me One Reason" by Tracy Chapman. She plays guitar and at this point I notice a large part of the crowd standing and clapping. Were they doing this before? I really don't know. I do know that she is AWE-SOME.

I'm just gonna say it now:

best performance of the night.

Suck it, haters.

Judges LOVE. IT.

Simon says she "one million billion percent will be in the top 12"

I love it when we agree.

The show wraps up with Lilly Scott singing "I Fall To Pieces" by Patsy Cline. She plays the mandolin which is really gonna confuse Ellen but it impresses me. She has a memorable style about her but I'm still getting that "Ingrid Michaelson" vibe, though less than I did with Didi.

I'm now starting to think I'm being unfair with all my comparisons.

After all, she IS wearing crocheted earrings.

homemade things are great. when they aren't hideous.

Ok, that's not fair either.

It was preeeeeeeety good. Not great.

The judges give her mostly good feedback. Ellen declares her love for her. Simon says that for the final performance of the night it lacked the "wow factor"

Yet again, the show ends with a whimper.

Can someone please remind me why I decided THIS SEASON was the one I should start recapping?

SNOOOOOOOOOORE.

My picks to go home?

Katie and Paige

Tomorrow I'll cover the boys.
That sounded kind of dirty.
It might just be.
You'll just have to come back and see for yourself.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

American Idol Recap! Top 10 Female Semi-Finalists

I never thought it possible for Ryan Seacrest to gain any respect in my book, but after he outed Kara for being the ho that she is for her recent need to constantly snuggle up to Simon, quite like I mentioned yesterday, his standing on the douche-charts has catapulted him from just above Speidi to just below Mario Lopez (which is actually a huge improvement in case you aren't familiar with douche-ranking).

Congrats, Seacrest!

On to business…

Crystal Bowersox was BACK (bitches!) singing "As Long As I Can See The Light" by Creedence Clearwater Revival after being hospitalized for an undisclosed illness the previous night. I wasn't totally loving it at first but when she hit that wicked high note toward the end it made the whole thing pretty awesome. The judges love the performance, especially Simon, though I think he may have confused himself and the rest of the English speaking world when he said that he thinks the judges may have "mis-underestimated" her in the past. Or just (me) and the bee because I just found out that misunderestimate actually IS a word, however purposeless and self negating it seems to be.

Simon compares her to Kelly Clarkson.

Should we just call this season a wrap now, OR WHAT?

Haeley Vaughn causes barnyard animals to pray for an early slaughter with her version of "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus. I think this girl is cute, she makes stylish little headbands that I would totally buy. Maybe that's what she should focus on, because hearing her sing last night was like putting a cheese grater to my ear hole. This doesn't typically happen on this show, but I think she may be sounding worse as the weeks go by. The judges are clearly reading my mind because they have nothing positive to say about this performance.

It's at this point that I notice Kara's outfit. At first glance it appears she is wearing a trash bag necklace.

also? i'm fairly convinced this shot captures Kara farting in Ellen's direction. pig.

Lacey Brown, who may not be human at all but some form of japanimation, sang "Kiss Me" by Sixpence None The Richer.

*clearly* indistinguishable

I think her rendition of this song will leave her sixpence none the richer unless she does something DRASTICALLY different next week. IF there is a next week. She also has the NERVE to act as though she was planning on singing this song all along even though there is a clip shown of Kara suggesting she sing this from last week's episode. Ellen tells her she thought the performance was "adorable" to which Lacey responds "I like you too!".

What is happening on this show?!

Do we need to arrange a play date for these two?

Simon says it was unmemorable. I think it was terrible.

Next we have Katie Stevens singing "Put Your Records On" by Corrine Bailey Rae. Last week Katie came off as about 20 years older than she actually is, and even though most girls her age want to appear older, this was not a good thing. I think she has a really nice voice, and so far it was the best I have heard her this season. I am still having a hard time believing that she's not 35. Apparently Ellen feels the same way because she tells her that she'd like to see her act even younger. (???) Kara makes a neck strangling motion while telling Katie how frustrated she is with her performance. Simon gives her his signature creepy old guy wink.

Right about here is when things get really weird.

Ryan is introducing Didi Benami as the next singer and towards the end of his intro grabs her hand and holds onto it for an inappropriately long time and all of a sudden I feel like I'm watching a wholly repulsive moment unfold between a frightened young girl and her pedophilic uncle.

American Idol - Not As Innocent As It Seems (or should be)

Didi sings "Lean On Me" by Bill Withers and right away something seems amiss. I think this girl is usually good. I like her voice and style for the most part but this rendition is borderline unlistenable. She interchanges scream-singing with some too deep for her range, tones that makes this performance one of the worst of the night. Randy says almost exactly what I said in the previous sentence and now I'm not totally unconvinced that I couldn't be the 4th judge on this show. Didi is crying/speechless. You would be too if skeevy "Uncle Ryan" molested your arm on TV.

Michelle Delamor chooses to sing one of the stupidest songs by one of the worst bands I can think of. I can't understand what would possess a hip, young girl to sing a dated irrelevant song like "With Arms Wide Open" by Creed, but she does. And, no surprise here, I hate it although I think the girl has chops since she held her own singing Alicia Keys last week. Also no surprise? Kara loves it and tells her it's her best performance EVER. Simon agrees. Apocalypse to follow.

Here's a question: Is Randy a huge Yo Gabba Gabba fan? Based on last night's choice of cardigan, I would have to say, yes.

i'm kind of stretching with this one. i know. humor me?

Lilly Scott, the quirky "indie" contestant of this season sings "A Change Is Gonna Come" by Sam Cooke. Tonight she chooses a 12 string guitar for accompaniment. OK, you've got our attention. I really love this song but I did not feel it worked to showcase her voice as well as something else could have. All I'm hearing now is scream-talk-sing-song and I think it's kind of a mess. The judges and I exist on different audible planes at this moment in time because they say she's the greatest thing since Jesus. (not really, but you know what I mean)

Now onto Katelyn Epperly who played piano and sang "The Scientist" by Coldplay. In her mini-bio we get to see her make the bitch PLEASE face that she gave last week after Kara commented that she didn't love her "makeover". Katelyn may very well be the most self-possessed of the contestants this season, male or female. She was giving off a bit of a Barbra vibe, which I'm not entirely sure is a good thing. Ellen has a Paula moment when she confuses a piano for a guitar. Kara "thinks she loves her" and has apparently inherited the creepy wink from Simon.

Paige Miles sings "Walk Away" by Kelly Clarkson and we find out that she likes to color as her pre-show ritual, as in, color in a coloring book-color. Who doesn't? She's a cute girl and I like her style. She has a darn good voice but she's no Kelly Clarkson and it shows. Kara earns her bitch point for the evening when she tells Paige that she was projecting the wrong emotions with her singing. And she should know, she wrote the song. So Kara IS good for something. Huh. Simon is not impressed. Big whoop.

Finally, Siobhan Magnus goes BALLS. OUT. with her song choice for the night, "Think" by Aretha Franklin. We find out that just last year Siobhan was rocking a Mohawk. She's cool, but like Avril LaVigne, I get the feeling that she tries a little too hard to be "alternative". I kind of thought the performance was lackluster until she woke me from my TV coma with a classic Adam Lambert screech at the end. According to Simon's critique, her slaughtered pig squeal was the highlight of the performance and then he calls her a "strange thing".

So there you have it.

My picks to go home?

Haeley and Michelle though, in truth, Didi sang worst of all.

I'm going to attempt to make this a regular thing so check back every Wednesday & Thursday for each night's recap

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

American Idol Recap! Top 10 Male Semi-Finalists

I heart TiVo. Without it, this recap would not be possible. There is no way I could follow all the crap that goes on within the entirely too long 2 hours that this show is without "boo-booping" back and forth as needed.

This is also the first recap of anything I've ever attempted so…
This one goes out to you TiVo. Sorry if it sucks.
Let's get to it. Shall we?

In a last minute change of plans, the boys performed Tuesday night due to Crystal Bowersox being admitted to the hospital. My first thought was: Good one, Bowersox since I'm sure the guys were just thrilled at having their performances bumped up a night. Then I realized who Bowersox is, a.k.a. MY GIRL! She's been an early favorite of mine, so for that, i'll give her some slack.

First up, Michael Lynche, the drama club lovin-' footballin'- beefcake. He sings "It's a Man's Man's Man's World" by James Brown. Randy gives him a standing O. I thought he was good. Not standing O good, but what do I know?

Next, John Park sings "Gravity" by John Mayer. Oh, John. You are cute and I want to like you but, like last week, your singing is subpar and has the judges questioning how you got on this show in the first place. It's not helping your case any that you chose to sing a song by the most douche-tastic of musicians. You know it's bad when your rendition of this song has me wishin you were this loser:


Also, Kara = totally annoying and I'm left to wonder why her mic was taped so crudely to her chest tonight. Perhaps it better suited another choice of outfit but she changed right before taping into this Grecian Queen of Hairspray look.

NOT a fan

Casey James fails to woo the judges, lacking the amount of "dirt in the throat" to carry out "I Don't Want To Be" by Gavin DeGraw. I agree. Though he did send me to shred heaven with his guitar chops at the end of the song. I feel like this guy could be good if he was allowed to sing his own songs.

Hey Idol? There's an idea.

Just sayin'.

Kara disses herself by saying "We all got the memo. The cougar is a fan" and then proceeds to diss Casey saying that he "took 2 steps back" tonight. Which earns Kara double bitch points as well as a thumbs up from me for throwing in a thinly veiled Paula homage via the lyrics to "Opposites Attract".

Bring on Adam Alex Lambert who clearly has the best hair in the show and, as we find out in his mini-bio, is the creator of his own language?

Weird, Alex, weird.

He made an impression last week as being the sweet voiced guy with the nerves of a newborn kitten. This week he sings "Everybody Knows" by John Legend and nails it. Let it be known, this guy is my favorite. Even The Bee looked up from the laptop for more than a moment to catch a glimpse of one of the few noteworthy performances of the evening. Randy mentions something about liking his "package".

O.K.

Around this time I wrote down: Kara's comments are completely baseless. I can't back this up with any example, except, if you're watching the same show that I am you know that I'm right.

Some not-so-witty barbs are exchanged between Simon and Ryan. Blah, blah, who cares.

Todric Hall sings "What's Love Got To Do With It (?)" by Tina Turner and it kind of sucks. He compares himself to Paula since both of them are singers/dancers which prompts American Idol's producers to run a clip of Paula from a recent season where she lip-syncs on stage. FAIL. The judges give conflicting critiques and then it starts to get awkward so I sneak off to the kitchen to eat the rest of the strawberry rhubarb pie in the fridge.

Now, I could be wrong, but I'm not really sure you want to publicize that you "rock a onesie" on TV but apparently Jermaine Sellers does that and more (or as he proved tonight, less). This evening he decides to rock a mole-hill hairdo + bowtie, singing "What's Goin On (?)" by Marvin Gaye.

Now I have to ask: Why would you choose a song by one of the smoothest singers of all time when you really don't have the voice for it?

He was uber breathy throughout the performance and left me feeling like I would get a sore throat if I had to continue listening to him. So no, not great. The judges agree with me.

Onto Andrew Garcia, an early favorite thanks to his Hollywood week acoustic rendition of Paula Abdul's "Straight Up". He sings "You Give Me Something" by James Morrison. Unlike the title of his chosen song, Andrew gives both the judges and audience - nothing. Even though I've never heard this song before, it's not hard to tell that his version isn't very good. No matter, I continue to like this guy. So do the judges.

*brief aside*

When I first caught a glimpse of Aaron Kelly last week I shouted at the TV: Well, Helllllllooooo K.D. Lang! because, face it, boy looks just like her. I think they may have given him some highlights since last show to reduce the 'Lang' to his look but he'll always be K.D. to me. I started to feel bad that I got to calling him Lang so early on in the competition. He's just a kid after all, I'm not trying to be mean.

Seriously though, can you honestly tell me these two weren't separated at birth?

un-freakin'-canny

I even got some backup via a direct quote from the bee: There is no doubt about him looking like K.D. Lang.

Ok, I feel better having gotten that out of my system.

Now… K.D. Lang Aaron Kelly sings "My Girl" by the Temptations. I don't love it. Or even like it. He's young and seems it. Ellen had said earlier about Adam Alex Lambert being like a banana that had been put in a paper bag to ripen since his performance last week. I'm thinking this kid could use the paper bag treatment as well.

Somebody throws out a comparison to Justin Bieber.

Which leads me to this hot button question: What exactly is a Justin Bieber?

Tim Urban chooses the wildly popular "Come On Get Higher" by Matt Nathanson (yeah, no clue). This guy seems nice enough but I just don't get what the judges see in him. I think they are starting to forget as well. Also, I have now officially HAD IT with this stupid emo haircut. The only thing I really have to say about his performance is I'm pretty sure I heard him sing "fucking walk on water" during the first verse. Ellen's advice was as useless as my review of the song, telling Tim he'd be better off getting onto a show like "Glee". Well, I'm sure when he gets kicked off on Thursday night the producers of "Glee" will just be banging down his door. Thanks for nothing, Ellen. PS - Simon loved it. Go figure.

Last, and quite possibly least on my list for last night was Lee DeWyze who sang the most stupidly titled song in the history of the world: "Lips of an Angel" by Hinder. Ew. I detest everything about this song, especially the lyrics. I have crowned this guy as the David Cook-alike of Season 9 which is probably why the judges are loving him. I'm not getting what all the fuss is about.

So the show ends with a fizzle and we see Kara once again getting inappropriately close to Simon as he tries to give his final words of the evening.

That bitch is always in heat.

My picks to go home?

Tim & Todric, though John Park was pretty awful too.

Can't we send home all 3 and bring this guy back instead?

Check back tomorrow for the Ladies Recap!