This is not going to be very good.
It's probably not a good idea to start a post with saying "I'm sorry" but my mind is about to explode all over the innernet and I can barely muster the strength to write this post. Hopefully you can look past this moment of weakness on my part and we can still be friends. Also?
It's R & B/Soul night!
Usher as celebrity mentor!
Wearing sunglasses indoors!
Siobhan Magnus goes first tonight with "Through the Fire" by Chaka Khan. Her singing starts of flat and just gets worse from there. You'll have to excuse me because I'm having the hardest time focusing on anything but her heinous choice of outfit. She seems to be sporting shin guards and a poorly positioned dinner napkin stuffed into her crotch area. From the neck up things are fine.
i would have never okayed this...
Thankfully the judges left their typical masturbatory praise for this girl at home because they all agree it was a hot mess. I do feel bad for her because she's clearly trying to hold it together during the judge's critique.
Now for the return of axe-wielding Casey James with his cover of "Hold On, I'm Comin'" by Sam & Dave. He's really working his sass-factor and the ponytail is only helping the cause. I don’t think his performance is anything special but he certainly does seem to be enjoying himself. Maybe a bit too much based on the sexy O-face he busts out mid-way through.
Ellen calls it "consistent" but generic. Simon is now on board the Casey-train with Kara because he thinks it's his best performance yet.
Michael Lynche sings "Ready For Love" by India.Arie. He actually performs BEHIND the judges table which is really weird. This seems to alienate not only the judges but the entire front portion of the audience. I think he sounds really good, as usual. It's a great choice of song and he's finally dressed to my approval. Because, you know, THAT matters. Randy tells him he's "in the zone" and Simon says he can finally take him seriously as a performer.
Have I mentioned that Ellen looks a helluva lot like Pee-wee Herman tonight?
Because she does.
Didi Benami sings "What Becomes of the Broken Hearted" by Jimmy Ruffin. I suppose we should prepare for some tears because during rehearsal she certainly lets the waterworks flow for Usher. He finds it touching, I find it crazy that she's even considering this song if she can barely get through it without getting choked up. Maybe she overcompensated with the drama to cover her nerves because this performance is rife with theatrics. This is not in any way a good thing. She certainly looks pretty but she's kind of singing like a psycho.
Ellen thinks it's over-dramatic and Simon tells her it was like she was "swimming in jelly".
Ok, now it's time to get serious.
Can someone please tell me what the fuck is wrong with Ryan Seacrest? Does he not get that we can all see him week after week groping Didi in front of the camera? It's really disturbing and in case you don't know what I'm talking about I've prepared some photographic evidence:
Perv-crest is more like it. Look; she doesn't want to touch or be touched by you.
Soooooooooo... stop it.
This poor girl has had her arms and hands repeatedly violated on national television.
Now I feel dirty.
Tim Urban takes on "Sweet Love" by Anita Baker. We all know my thoughts on this toolbox. I'll let the judges take it from here:
Randy puts Tim in his place by up-staging him with his own vibrato-rich attempt at the song. You know things are bad when Randy Jackson as songbird is preferred to what comes out of your mouth. Ellen confirms what I've been saying for WEEKS now when she compares his stage moves to that of a rapey-eyed weirdo "sneaking into a bedroom".
Tim laughs at this.
Simon responds thusly:
That was a completely inappropriate song choice. It was like a mouse picking a fight with an elephant. You're not gonna win but it doesn't matter because you're gonna smile and the audience are gonna vote for you. Nobody cares and you'll be here next week so... well done!I really couldn't have said it better.
Thank you, Simon.
Do you think Andrew Garcia ever wanted to be called Andy as a nickname but the existence of the Andy Garcia just up and ruined his chance of ever being taken seriously with that name?
An-drew Garcia sings "Forever" by Chris Brown. I think he may have successfully redeemed himself after last week's wannabe boy-band-er blunder. Randy says his outfit is "mad dope". Simon says it was "miles better" and then follows that by calling him "boring".
Then there's Seacrest who manages to belittle Andrew's mother by speaking to her in English but with an Italian accent complete with exaggerated hand gestures.
I is confused.
Katie Stevens sings "Chain of Fools" by Aretha Franklin.
She finally looks like a 17-year-old girl... who was dressed by Gwen Stefani and her mob of Harajuku girls.
As for the performance? Welllllllllllllllllllllllll...
For REAL, dawg?
I've pretty much tuned out at this point.
Whose fault is this?
Let's just blame Katie...
Randy compares her to Christina Aguilera. The ladies say nothing of note and Simon slams the Xtina comparison by calling her "robotic". Great.
Lee DeWyze covers "Treat Her Like a Lady" by the Cornelius Brothers & Sister Rose. Ok, it's good. He sounds great but I can't shake the feeling that I'm attending a Nickelback concert and I-do-not-want-to-go-to-there.
The judges are creaming their pants over this shit.
That's right. You heard me.
I wrote like 3 sentences after this point in the show. One of them was "oh! the androgyny!" which leads me to believe I was anticipating the arrival of none other than
Crystal Bowersox sings "Midnight Train to Georgia" by Gladys Knight and the Pips. Ok, maybe no socks rocketed off anyone's feet this week but it was pretty good other than her looking completely terrified on stage without having a guitar. The judges agree and Simon tells her she needs to stick with what she's comfortable with.
Finally we have Aaron Kelly with "Ain't No Sunshine" by Bill Withers.
He seems super confident in the footage we get during rehearsal but seems to lose that edge by the time he's on camera.
You know what? I'm just gonna call it a wrap here because I honestly wasn't kidding about not having written anything else after the androgyny bit so why force it?
My pick to go home? Tim