And get this....
Miley FUCKIN' Cyrus!!! YEEEEEEEEEEEHAW!
That's right folks, stow away your cynicism for the evening because it's just been proven that life IS good.
During the opening of the show we see Ryan give the remaining 11 contestants the not-so-clear instructions to get the hell off the stage. Instead we see them looking to each other in confusion until they finally get the hint and awkwardly shuffle off to Buffalo.
I mention this not because it's strange but because it is completely typical anymore and sets up this evening's
It's at this time that Ryan takes to the audience to chat with Miley. In doing so, he proves to all watching that, in the battle of who is more annoying during a televised conversation, he is, forevermore, the victor.
First up for the evening is Lee DeWyze singing "The Letter" by The Box Tops. To my knowledge I have never heard this song before and his performance leaves me thinking that's probably a good thing. Boy sounds like he is pained & dying. Or in the middle of squeezing out a troublesome poo.
Kara tells him his "progress is TREMENDOUS" and makes a questionable gesture with her hands which has me wondering what she's ACTUALLY talking about.
She then asks him: "Can you feel the difference?"
ICK. get a room...
Unlike the rest of the judges, Simon isn't orgasmic about it and calls the performance corny.
Paige Miles sings? "Against All Odds (Take Me Home) by Phil Collins.
This is the first thing I wrote down after things got underway:
This was beyond awful. I think she's really cute but I have a hard time thinking anything can bring her back from the gutter she threw herself in with this performance. Even the bee, who just don't GIVE a fuck about this show, looked over at me to cringe.
Kara, the sweetheart that she is, delivers a deafening blow by telling her it was probably the worst so far of the season.
Simon asks her how she thinks she did. Paige answers with a series of "definitelys"
Simon then wraps up this mess by saying: "I think that song has just killed you."
It can't get much worse than that.
Tim Urban heeds none of the advice I gave a few weeks back when I mentioned that probably NO ONE should cover a Freddie Mercury vocal unless they sound as good or better than he does. Which is most likely an improbability.
So Tim picks "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Queen.
Do I even need to say how I feel about this?
Fine. It's terrible.
Randy hates it. Ellen says it was "corny & pushed" which, typical!, makes me think of poop because, well, just because...
Kara continues on her crusade to castrate the contestants by telling him that he looked like a fool on stage because he's "not established yet" and therefore should not go into the crowd and mingle with the ladies. Simon calls it "utterly pointless & silly".
Now, I know Tim didn't actually sound worse than Paige but can we PLEASE just send this douche-nugget home already?
At least that's what I heard. Sounds disgusting.
No matter, he still sounds better than Paige did last week when she had ol' Larry in her throat. The producers are definitely trying to mess with his appearance because this week he's rocking double sleeves and collars and Ryan throws out a comparison to David Archuleta. This kid is like the ultimate celebrity mash-up!
Judges love it, all things considered.
Crystal Bowersox takes on "Me and Bobby McGee" by
She both looks and sounds awesome. Crystal is clearly the exception to the rule when it comes to covering songs by iconoclastic, otherwise untouchable artists. She owns this performance and does one of the best versions of a Janis song I've ever heard.
Randy goes stark raving mad, screaming praise from the judges table. Kara bitches that she should lose the guitar because it's starting to become a crutch. Simon thinks Kara is a jerk for saying so because he "wouldn't change a thing" and says this cover was on par with the one Pink did.
At least he didn't say she looked like Pink because someone once told me that and I had to break it to them that I didn't find that comparison all that complimentary. *thankyouverymuch*
Next is Michael Lynche with "When a Man Loves a Woman" by Percy Sledge. Michael has gone from wearing what I referred to last week as "Funeral Casual" to "Teddy Ruxpin Lounge Wear" and I'm not sure how I feel about this.
He's a big guy, and he's wearing a chocolate-colored velvet jacket over jeans. I'm just not understanding why wardrobe thought that was a good move. I think he sounds good as usual and I don't doubt he's a definite contender for the finals.
Kara continues her tour of treachery by calling it "lounge-y."
Moving on to Andrew Garcia with "I Heard it Through the Grapevine" by Marvin Gaye.
In the clip prior to his performance we have Miley suggesting he lose the guitar for once and so he does. Some may think that was a mistake. Personally, I think his singing this song was the mistake. He looks like a deranged Backstreet Boy on stage complete with an obscene amount of finger-pointing and chest thumping.
Has anyone else noticed that this guy is basically named Andy Garcia as in ANDY "Beverly Hills Chihuahua" GARCIA?
Do you know what the 3rd most popular search item for Andy Garcia is on Google?
Andy Garcia was born with a dead baby friend attached to his shoulder.
If you search Google Images for pictures of Andy Garcia, some CRAAAAAAAAAAAZY shit shows up on the first page.
Good luck bleaching that image from your brains!
Katie Stevens sings "Big Girls Don't Cry by Fergie which causes both (me) and the bee to wonder what rock we've been living under if Fergie had a #1 song on the Billboard charts.
She's sounds like a tin-man in need of an oil can. I really can't stand it. And I still think she looks old enough to be my mother.
Well, maybe just a mother.
Randy said it was "sharp" which is just the smarty pants word for "sounds like tin-man who needs oil".
Casey James must have listened to "The Power of Love" by Huey Lewis & The News like non-STOP in preparation for this performance. Or maybe this is a Milli-Vanilli moment because at certain points in the song I'm having a hard time differentiating between this version and the original.
This proves to be an area of contention between the judges.
Kara thinks he somehow made the song current while Simon said it was no different from the original.
I think you know how I side on this one...
Weird stuff happens next. I'm talking aside from Ryan getting tongue-tied and calling the next contestant Didi Beneemi.
So Didi Benami is prepped on the stairs in the middle of the stage ready to sing "You're No Good" by Linda Ronstadt when we get to see a very pretty girl make some very VERY ugly faces.
Other than the screenshots above, I think she looks better than ever. I love the hair, the makeup, the whole shebang. As for the song?
I do not like this at. all. The pacing seems waaaaay too slow and drawn out.
Also, it seems like she's using a strange babydoll voice to sing in.
Here's where I look to the bee in preparation for the end of the world as we know it...
Kara and I AGREE on something.
She says it looked like Didi was "playing a character" while on stage and I think she's on the money with that one. It was just weird.
Let's face it. She's a hottie so I'm sure she'll be fine when it comes to the votes.
Last to go is Siobhan Magnus with "Superstitious" by Stevie Wonder.
I'm seeing shades of Sanjaya and mid-80's Madonna in her choice of coif/dress this evening. I think this is her best incarnation of "punk" so far.
I don't think it's great. As a matter of fact, I think up until this point this girl has been greatly over-hyped. Another thing I'm having trouble dealing with his her need to Lambert-ize every performance. I don't want to hear a shrill banshee squeal every week. I'm not getting her appeal as a singer.
Simon calls her out for being a one trick pony.
My pick to go home?
Based on her truly awful performance - Paige.
However... I could also see her getting tons of pity votes because America likes her and in that case:
so long Andy Garcia.
maybe next time, buddy...