Wednesday, April 28, 2010

American Idol Recap! Top 6 Finalists

This week?
It's fucking serious, yo.

There's only 6 people left so the drama is BROUGHT-EN.

This recap, on the other hand,  is brought to you by keeping this shit brief because Shania Twain is the celeb mentor and that leaves me mostly wordless simply because I don't know much (or anything) about Ms. Twain save she's a Canadian who writes country music.

(sarcasm alert!)-----> Lucky for me, I get to hear the Idol hopefuls perform one of her chart SMASHING hits!

Tonight's show was a bit different than the usual because what really* caught my eye wasn't any one performance or Siobhan's wacky choice of dress. In fact, it didn't have much of anything to do with the aspiring Idols, but I'll get to that…

Lee DeWyze sings first with "You're Still The One"
He sounds a little stiff and forced in the beginning but by the middle of the song he seems to find his voice and things start to smooth themselves out.
Randy thinks he did a pretty good job. Ellen tells Lee that he "couldn't look cuter".


Lee DeWyze's face + 1 tiny adorable kitten head = 
a GOB-zillion times more cuteness

Kara blathers on about how "relevant" he sounded and Simon tells him it looked like he was "pulling weird faces".

Michael Lynche is next with "It Only Hurts Me When I'm Breathing" a.k.a. we get it Shania, the pain is fucking powerful. This song title? Not so much.
I can't say much about this because I really can't get with this song. I've never heard anyone but 'Big Mike' sing it which makes me really hope he's not going home tomorrow night because then I'll have to hear it again. Ok, so he did hit a fucking sweet little falsetto at the end but that's what I call "too little, too late".

Ellen says it "felt like Luther Vandross", so that's… good. Kara felt "connected" and Simon called the performance "wet"? At this point you can hear the chirp-chirp-chirping of Hollywood crickets because no one has a god-damned clue what the hell Simon's going on about. He later goes on to define "wet" as both "the opposite of dry" and "feminine".


For the next act we have the prettiest of all the pretty ladies in the land Casey James with "Don't!"
The first thought that pops into my head is it sounds like he's got a turd rattling around in the back of his throat.
Why is it that so often when I think of Casey I draw a poop comparison?
A few weeks back I said his singing style reminded me of someone straining to push out a reluctant poo and now it's turds in the throat? That doesn't even make sense. No matter. I'm sticking with it. I obviously know nothing yet AGAIN because the judges are fudging their pants over him this week.

Both Randy & Ellen think it’s great and his best performance to date. Kara calls it "vulnerable & raw" and Simon recommends that Casey get up and give "'this one' [Shania Twain] a kiss on the lips" apparently for saving his ass this week with a decent song choice.

Casey all too eagerly obeys Simon's wishes and the two meet somewhere in the middle to exchange a HUG people. No spit was swapped, much to the chagrin of many (read: just Casey).

Crystal Bowersox takes on "No One Needs To Know"
She's a good singer.
She's an AWESOME singer but there is nothing about this performance that I'm really digging.
Imma blame Shania…

The general consensus from the judges is the same as my own so... I WIN!!!

The most interesting thing that goes on whilst Bowersox is on stage is after the performance when Ryan makes some strange hand signal that goes straight over my head and the camera cuts to a dude in the audience wearing a shirt in support of Crystal.

*What is the deal here, exactly?

Can anyone explain what the purpose of putting this goober-faced goofball on TV has anything to do with anything?

Didn't think so…

Aaron Kelly sings "You've Got a Way"
I think this whole mess is BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORING and based on the reaction of the judges I also think it must be opposite day because they can't praise Aaron enough for his efforts.

Randy says he does a "really good job". Ellen & Kara agree and Simon tells Aaron it's like he's a different artist (this is a good thing) and that it was "sincere & believable".

Last, but not least (ok, possibly least), is Siobhan Magnus with "Any Man of Mine"
Immediately I think that Siobhan does not have the cultivated twang or, in this case "Twain" to carry this tune properly. Of course, no Siobhan performance would be complete without her signature banshee scree at the end. Though, in her defense, this week it did sound a bit more like a "yodel" than usual. So that's something.

I'm just realizing now that I completely forgot to write down ANYTHING the judges had to say in regard to her singing. Ok, that's a lie. I wrote down something Simon said about "screaming at the end" which I'm pretty sure was meant to be derisive. Hey, what do I care anyway? I didn't like it. 'Nuff said.

My pick to go home? You guessed it… Siobhan.

Though, given we're down to the wire with these kids and Siobhan is a weekly fan favorite it might finally be time to say adieu to my lil' K.D. Aaron. *sniff*

Oh YEAH. I almost forgot!
*I can't remember at what point in the show this gem of stage and screen appeared but she was on camera for like 10 minutes before someone decided her excessive eye contact was becoming too creepy.
I can't get enough of the eye-sexin'...

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

American Idol Recap! Top 7 Finalists

So this week, THIS week, we've got Alicia Keys, ya'll!


AND it's Idol Gives Back week.


Seriously, though. This is SERIOUS. Just ask these two:

I'm guessing Simon's vebal faux pas was his way of outting Idol Gives Back as a sham? He's become awfully cold blooded since he decided he was leaving the show.

Face it. He just don't GIVE a -you know what- about Idol anymore.

Alright, let's DO this...

This week the contestants must select an "Inspirational Song".

Casey James starts off the show with "Don't Stop" by Fleetwood Mac.
No, Casey. DO stop. This is unbearable.
My first thoughts were that it looked like he was gonna blow a gasket or pop a tire with how red and strained his face seemed to be during the entire performance.

That can't be good for you.

The judges give lukewarm reviews bordering on the crappy. Ellen doesn't think anyone will talk about his performance tomorrow. She's both right AND wrong with this statement.

I'm talking, it's just nothing good.

In Lee DeWyze's fight with "The Boxer" by Simon & Garfunkel I think it's safe to say that he wins. (Yeah, that's just a taste of my comic genius, btw. Got LOTS more where that came from...)

The judges are all but bowing at his feet calling it "Sincere" "Emotional" "Inspirational" and "Absolutely Brilliant".
So there you have it.
Personally, I thought it was a little disappointing simple because the ORIGINAL song is so perfect the way it is that changing it just feels dirty, ya know?

Whatever. Lee's in it to win it, yo.

Next, Tim Urban sings "Better Days" by the Goo Goo Dolls a.k.a. Shoot Me NOW.
This is really bad, ok? Beside the fact that it's a GOO GOO DOLLS song, this is really terrible.
Randy says it was like "ok/good karaoke" and Ellen tells Tim that this week she "does not like the soup".
Makes perfect sense, no?
Kara and Simon deliver similar news.

The Idol gods may have FINALLY heard my prayers...

Ok, Aaron Kelly looks... different. Somebody needs to tell them to leave that boy alone. He's fine. Stop messing with his hair. I feel like I may be at fault for this.
Aaron sings "I Believe I Can Fly" by R. Kelly which just makes me feel icky all over. Though I think that happens to most people when they hear the name R. Kelly.

Soooooooooo, Aaron Kelly/R. Kelly? I call scandal; they are obviously related. Your mind is blown, isn't it? Take that US Weekly. I can publish my OWN unverified celeb exclusives.

I think the performance is just a'ight. The judges seem like they are being overly nice with their critiques. Simon is the only one who dares to be honest and tells him it's not great.

We should be moving onto Siobhan "The Forest Nymph" Magnus with "When You Believe" by Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston, but FIRST...

Alicia Keys is FREAKY, yo.

In her mentoring session, A.K. tells Siobhan that she needs to "milk that money spot" which, when using my "clean" brain, I'm thinking means that she should really showcase her highest falsetto/whatever voice a'la Adam Lambert at the end of the song like she ALWAYS does.

However, I see a picture like this:

accompanied by the words "milk that money spot" and my "dirty" brain immediately takes over.

There is no doubt that Siobhan sings her heart out but it fails to impress the judges. Kara thinks she was, once again, "over-dramatic" and gives us these words of wisdom:
Watching you from week to week makes me want to hang out with you more than buy your record because I still don't know who you are.
The fuck, Kara? Nobody really knows who YOU are and yet YOU have a spot on an undeservedly highly popular television show. Your point?

Whatever, I didn't like the performance either but I'm not looking to make the girl feel like crap.

Just sayin'...

Up next is Michael Lynche with "Hero" by Chad Kroeger a.k.a. I'm just gonna bite my tongue with this one...
No. Seriously. I was always told if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all.
I don't always follow that rule, but right now I am, so there.

For the last performance of the evening we have Crystal Bowersox with "People Get Ready" by The Impressions.
Everyone is making a super huge deal about her hitting the stage sans instrumental "crutch". I guess it's a big deal but you wouldn't really know it because she sounds as good as ever. The song is so emotionally charged for her that she breaks into body wracking sobs so much so that she can't really finish the end of the song.


The judges love it and Simon says, for the first time of the evening, that the song was "Inspirational".

Shocking, right?

My pick to go home? Casey
(though, I shall continue to not-so-secretly route for the swift demise of Tim)

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

American Idol Recap! Top 9 Finalists AGAIN!!!

That's right.

We still have 9 contestants.


Last week Michael Lynche's sweet ass was saved by the judges with their "free pass for future humiliation".

How nice of them. Now we get to re-live last week's show only in less time which (as proven later in the show) is slightly problematic.

Seriously though, I'm glad he got another chance because we alllllllllllllll know who should have REALLY gone home last week *cough*andygarcia*cough*

Well, fear not. I have a sneaking suspicion his tenure on the show is about to expire.
Like, for REAL this time.

So this recap is gonna have to be brief. I'm over-worked and underappreciated underpaid and in desperate need of a mental vacation. Since there's no reason you should suffer with me, we're gonna make this reeeeeeeeeeeal easy on everyone...

Before we dive in here I have an announcement to make:
This episode of American Idol shall go down in history as "The Night of the Embarrassing Seacrest" set to the soundtrack of poorly sung Elvis Presley songs. He seriously brought self-shaming to a whole new level this evening.

See the following videos for proof:

Ok, now that I got that out of my system...

Crystal Bowersox sings "Saved" a song I was wholly unfamiliar with until this evening. It's a full-on soul-y gospel belter-outer and well suited for her vocal stylings. It's not my favorite song but she does it justice.
Randy says the performance is "dope", the ladies love it and SURPRISE SURPRISE so does Simon.

Next is AI's newest reject Andrew Garcia with "Hound Dog".
Good god!
WHAT is this mess?
The arrangement is atrocious and the song is almost unrecognizable. The tempo is super-slow and snooze worthy. Nothing special about this at all and if Andrew doesn't get sent home tomorrow then America can add another item to its list of mounting problems.
Randy calls it "not-good karaoke". Ellen successfully beats around the bush and refuses to tell Andrew how it really is further proving how useless she is as a judge. Kara says he used the mic as a crutch and Simon strikes a deafening blow with the quote "all of your coolness has been sucked out of you" only after calling it "lazy" and "unpredictable".

Tim Urban sings "Can't Help Falling In Love" I could take or leave this performance. Mostly leave it. I should just skip over Tim each week because unlike last week's lapse of judgment on my part I am really NOT a fan of this guy.

Can you tell?

You know what my opinion counts for though, dontcha? Not a goddamned thing because Tim is still on the show and the judges LOVED. HIS. PERFORMANCE. Like "got it pregnant in the backseat of a Volvo on prom night" loved it.

Moving on...

Lee DeWyze brings the blues to his sparse rendition of "A Little Less Conversation".
He definitely owns this song. Randy stumbles on his words and calls the performance "very dude" before correcting himself. Ellen said he made it sound current (and I actually agree with her). Kara was pleased but felt he needed to be more "playful". Simon said it was "on the money" and that he went "full-stop".

Aaron Kelly chose to sing "Blue Suede Shoes" even though he described the song as "wrong in every way" for him prior to the performance.

Oooooooookay? Then WHY DID YOU PICK THAT SONG???

He starts singing and I now understand exactly what he meant. I mean it's not the worst thing ever but it's not great.

I am loving his look though.

The judges are mostly positive with their critique except for Simon who commented that the song "aged" him.

Next up is Crazy-Lungs McGee Siobhan Magnus with "Suspicious Minds".
Ok, so I'm not the biggest Elvis fan out there but this is probably my favorite song of his. Too bad Siobhan is kind of weirding me out with her backwards facing stage performance and lower vocal register. Yet again, we see Siobhan sporting an interesting outfit. I call this one "Space Hooker off the set of Dallas" and, unlike her singing, I kind of like it!

She works hard for the money...

Kara is "confused" and doesn't like the two different voices she used during the song. Simon STRONGLY dislikes it and questions her image as an artist. In a moment of weakness I find myself liking Siobhan despite her offensive pipes because she stands up to her detractors quite intelligently:

Even I can't pinpoint who or what I am... I'm not just one kind of a
singer... If I can't label myself I don't find it necessary to be labeled.

Well, you GO girl.

Nothing spells redemption like an Idol contestant who was *this close* to getting booted last week only to come back with a kick ass performance like the one Michael Lynche put on tonight with his version of "In The Ghetto".
He proves his chops go beyond his vocals as he rocks the acoustic guitar along with this soulful song. Because there are just as many contestants performing this week as last the show is a half hour shorter and we, the viewer, shall pay the ultimate price. Well, "we" and Michael Lynche apparently because the judges' comments get cut short due to time contsraints but we get the understanding that there is a unanimous love for both Big Mike and his performance.

Next, Katie Stevens takes the stage with "Baby, What You Want Me To Do".
I don't particularly like this song. I think Katie is very talented and all but might not be quite ready for this show yet. I'm also feeling highly rushed and I'm kind of losing focus so maybe she's great and I'm an asshole for not loving it.
The judges generally like it except Simon who thinks it was a bit "loud" which I am totally on board with.

Then FI-NA-LLY...

Casey James sings "Lawdy Miss Clawdy".
Wow. I am either very tired and totally zoning out or the production team must be feeling the heat from the sponsors because they are rushing the shit out of the end of this show. It's hard to determine when Ryan stops embarrassing himself on stage and Casey starts to sing. Now, I like a nice vibrato as much as the next guy but this is bordering on Billy Goat Gruff territory.
The judges think it was generally "safe" and "disappointing" but nobody seems to worried that he's going anywhere.

Speeeeeeeeeeeeeeaking of which...

Considering no one got a swift kick to the pants last week, that means that two hopefuls get a bus ticket back to nowheres-ville tomorrow.

My picks to go home?
Based solely on the night's performances and not my own personal feelings on the subject (TIM) I would assume we'll be saying "see ya" to Andrew & Casey.


We all know how America loves a "looker", and in that case, swap out Casey for Katie.

Fangirl, out.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Can you help a sister out?

If anyone is viewing this site with FireFox, could you please let me know if it is totally effed up on your end?

I only use IE and unfortunately don't have the ability to download FireFox on my work computer to check on it myself.

I have been told by a FireFox user that this page appears all screwy, without page breaks and it's highly annoying to read.

Not sure if this is an isolated incident or if all FireFox users are seeing the same things.

Tranny Andy Garcia thanks you!

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

American Idol Recap! Top 9 Finalists

It gives me great pleasure to report that this evening the contestants tackled the Lennon/McCartney songbook.

This may completely blow your mind, especially if you've been following my recaps but I actually, for the most part, enjoyed the performances.

I know. What is happening?

Maybe it has more to do with the extreme level of suck the performances have been reaching in the past few weeks that in comparison anything is going to sound better. Still, I think the performances were a vast improvement over recent blunders.

Most of the performances anyway. Some continued to provide unnecessary exercise for my eyeballs.
We'll get to that in a minute…

First up!

Aaron Kelly Lang with "The Long and Winding Road"

Is it just me or is he aging in front of our eyes? Every week he seems a little more packaged and polished. I guess he really doesn’t appreciate mine and America's celeb look-a-like comparisons. The singing isn't terrible by any means, it's just not really anything, ya know? Whatever. I still like his cute ass though I think he's gonna need to step up his game if he wants to finish anywhere near the top 3.

Randy calls it sleepy. Ellen refers to it as "the long and winding song". Kara has to remind him to speak into the mic when he's onstage and then Simon has to tell him the same thing again except this time he throws in a "sweetie" for good measure. All in all, not a favorite of the judges.

Katie Stevens sings "Let It Be" and I am immediately taken with what seems to be a strange choice of outfit for such a serious song. She looks adorable and has clearly gotten the memo about dressing her age but was hot pink and a poof the best match for a song about spiritual guidance?

Sorry I'm clearly too picky about wardrobe but as we all know, AI is not just about the singing.

Or at all.

I think Katie is very talented but her rendition of this song is depressing the shit out of me. The judges disagree with me completely because they are freaking the fuck OUT over how amazing they think it was.

Good for her.

What the hell do I know anyway? NOTHING.

Andrew Garcia is next with "Can't Buy Me Love".

He performs in the strange backwards fashion that Big Mike did last week. Within moments of his singing I can tell you right now that I DOES NOT LIKE THIS. He sounds flat and warble-y and I think this is the wrong song for him entirely.

The good news? He is full-on rockin' a Buddy Holly vibe complete with pompadour.

So, that's something

Randy calls it "corny" and Simon agrees adding "irrelevant" to his critique. The only one who seems to like it is Ellen and really what does that mean anyway? NOTHING.

For the smooooooooooooth jazz portion of the show we have Michael Lynche performing "Eleanor Rigby". He chose the song because it was something he used to sing in church choir.

Or something.

I can't really remember. I don't do as well with these recaps when the contestants are actually good.

Anyway, I really like it and I'm loving his look this evening which means someone finally had the good sense to dress him in something not entirely unflattering. Like a brown velveteen sport coat.

Randy says he "loves seeing the artist in you blossom" which is a good thing but also kind of a weird way to put it. The ladies LOVE it but Simon has to play the kill joy by calling it "old fashioned".

Just for shits and giggles, I wanted to share this screen-shot with you:

you're welcome...

With Crystal Bowersox strapped back into her guitar, things look promising for her choice of "Come Together".

Hey, guess what?

I made up a word!


It's like spec-tacular only with more 'spronk' and less 'spec' and although 'spronk' doesn't technically mean anything it's waaaaaaaaaaaaay better than anything that would start with 'spec'.

So there you go. Use it wisely.

So, spronktacular was made with ol' Bowersox in mind which is still pretty fitting even if I wouldn’t really consider this performance "full of spronk".

It was a'ight. Just not "spronk worthy"

It did, however, have a completely absurd and unnecessary use of an instrument Didgeridoo.

Randy agrees with me while the other judges obviously feel Crystal can do no wrong and give her nothing but praise.

Can't we just call it a day with this season already and get on with crowning this girl Miss Idol 2010?

If you thought I was gonna continue on my crusade of ripping open a series of new assholes for Tim Urban each week you might just wanna turn around and go home.

In a strange twist of fate I found myself actually liking his version of "All My Lovin'".
It's one of my favorite Beatles songs so that didn't hurt and, just kill me now for saying this, he didn't make me want to shove flaming hot torches of melty-faced death into my eye and ear-holes.

In fact, he actually looked kind of cute with his flat-ironed mop top.

If I spontaneously burst into flames in the next few minutes it will be completely understandable after writing that last sentence.

Randy takes a hearty dump in Tim's face by saying that "it was good... for a Tim performance".


Simon has nothing but praise and tells Tim that he's "very, very proud of him".

What is going on tonight?!

Casey James sings "Jealous Guy" which, btw, is one of my all time fav-O-rite John Lennon tunes of, like, ever. Casey is SOOOOOOOOOOPER emo tonight. I feel like maybe we shouldn’t all be watching this while he has what seems to be a very private moment with this song. It's good in like a really weird and uncomfortable way so maybe that makes it kind of not good?

The judges love it and Simon calls it the best of the night.


Can someone tell me WHAT in the Leather Bo-Peep hell is Siobhan wearing?

It is, arguably, a step above the mess she wore last week, but really? Are those white Doc Martens?


Alright, so Siobhan Magnus sings "Across the Universe" which is yet another song I adore but I honestly have no clue what she's doing up there. I hate this affected way that she is singing. It's really really creeping me out and making me wonder if she didn't have a partial lobotomy since last week's show. She has an amazing ability to control her voice but I can-NOT stand this performance.

The judges have mixed thoughts but the general consensus is that it's "confusing".

TOTES agree.

For the last performance of the night we have Lee DeWyze with "Hey Jude", a song I would probably put in my top 10 favorite songs of all time.
Something weird has to be going on tonight because I kind of like this too.

I blame the Beatles.

They made it really hard to hate any song of theirs, except maybe Yellow Submarine because, GAH!

Wait, are those bagpipes coming down the stairs?

Ha! How out of place is this guy?

The judges generally like it but totally rip apart the bag-piper which I think is kind of rude. Dude is just doing his job. It was Lee's crappy idea.

Recap, over!


My pick to go home?

Considering those who usually suck did not and those who usually shine, fell flat, this is really anyone's game.

How-ever, I'm gonna suggest Andrew Garcia start packing his bags.

Til next week, bitches...

Monday, April 5, 2010

Dr. Dog's latest 'Shame, Shame' out tomorrow (4/6)!

Just got an email update from Dr. Dog reminding fans that their new album Shame, Shame officially drops tomorrow 4/6/10 in all formats. Don't hesitate in getting your copy, the new songs are amazing!

Official Dr. Dog Newsletter