This show is appealing to a whole new level of suck as of late. If you ask the bee, he'll tell you it's always been that way but this is also coming from a guy that thinks Vertical Limit is a work of cinematic excellence.
I rest my case.
Alright, let's get to it already...
The show opens with Ryan introducing the contestants as usual, except tonight he gets all UP in their faces, giving the camera all the slow paced, close faced awkwardness he can muster.
The man is clearly a professional.
The boys seem visibly uncomfortable but what boy isn't when forced into close proximity with Seacrest? The Simon/Kara snuggle-lovers situation is breached once again. Ryan to Simon: I think Kara is your binky. This does more to confuse Simon and what I'm guessing is the rest of the world because the only "binky" I'm familiar with is what is often referred to as a pacifier which goes in the mouth of babies when they're suckling.
So, come again?
Lee DeWyze continues to lose points with me because he chooses another song that I can't stand, "Fireflies" by Owl City.
Look. I was once an angsty teenager too and I listened to my fair share of whiny emo but this new breed of whiny emo is utter crap. Apparently the guy who wrote this song, did so from his parent's basement and then went on to gain fame via YouTube.
So, making crappy music in a basement and posting it on YouTube now puts you in contention to land a record deal.
And you know what that means, dontcha?!
Start by pulling out your old diary from Junior High, close your eyes, pick a random entry, add some pre-set beats from your Casio keyboard on top of that and
You are, from here on out, famous and guys who are most memorable for looking like David Cooke on American Idol will one day sing your song.
And you'll be famous!!!
That tip was free.
The rest I charge for.
If you can't tell, I'm not a big fan of this guy and you know what that means?
He's gonna do GREAT on this show.
I'm not even paying attention to what the judges are saying because that's how bored I am with this right now.
Kara then calls him "stiff" and suggests that he "let go".
I'm beginning to wonder if we're still talking about bananas.
Simon mentions something about Randy in a bikini which immediately causes this image to emerge from the darkest part in my mind:
a vast improvement over the original, if you ask me...
Oh, hey there Tim Urban!
What's that you say?
You would like to continue to irritate my musical senses by singing a song which, let's just set this straight now, should really be left untouched due to its near astounding perfection as-is?
Well, then. You done good, kid. Real good.
Tim chooses "Halleluiah" by Leonard Cohen, though he, like Jason Castro did back in Idol Season, oh I can't remember and I don't really care, has decided to cover the version made famous by Jeff Buckley.
When Jason Castro did it, I thought it was pretty good, though I can't stress enough how much I don't recommend anyone EVER covering this song because when Jeff Buckley touched it he forever changed the way that song was heard and it will likely never be bettered. Maybe one day it will, but it's not gonna be on Tim Urban's watch.
This guy has an unnerving rapey-eyed look to him that makes my skin crawl.
don't give me that face...
Ellen is proving herself to be completely ridiculous. Did that performance really warrant her running like a loon to the stage to give this guy a hug?
I mean, REALLY?
Whatever, I didn't like it. The judges did. Something is clearly wrong with this picture.
Andrew Garcia sings "Genie In a Bottle" by Christina Aguilera which seems to fall into his recurring theme of taking highly produced pop songs by females and turning them into his own little acoustic ditties. I'll just say I thought it was unimpressive until he got towards the middle and started to work his lower register more. Randy says it "didn't quite work" but he loves his cardigan.
Ellen adds to my critique with her comment that "The genie came out of the bottle too late". I still like this guy, even though his now incomparable rendition of "Straight Up" during Hollywood week is looking to be the kiss of death for this contestant and the future of his performances.
Next is Casey James with "You'll Think of Me" by Keith Urban.
Oh sorry, what now?
Ok, I'm awake.
It both looks and sounds like this guy is trying really hard to squeeze out a reluctant poo. No surprise here, I find this completely boring if not mildly humorous/uncomfortable. Randy calls it "safe".
And in case you had your doubts, I feel I should clear something up:
the worst. judge. around.
She rarely, if ever, has anything truly constructive or useful to say to the contestants. She just lauds them with "I love you's" and "I thought I was really great's".
Kara tells us that she's "trying to get back on the Casey train".
Oh, we KNOW.
Simon kind of likes it and I'm doing my best not to let my eyes roll right out of my face.
At least little
He sings "I'm Already There" by Lonestar which I've admittedly never heard before so when I think I hear him sing the lyrics as "Sham Wow on the ground" followed by "and Jah know!" I'm not entirely convinced that my interpretation isn't right on.
I'm also getting a little punchy at this point so I can't really be sure about anything that's going on anymore.
It's here that the bee mentions
Ellen doesn't love something for once. Kara tells him he should be "more relevant" and sing a song better suited for a 16 year old. Simon takes a dump on that comment and throws Kara back under the bridge where she belongs.
Todric Hall decides to tackle "Somebody To Love" by Queen which is yet another song that I would not advise ANYONE to try and cover. I mean, have you heard Freddie Mercury sing this song? It's fucking epic. He also has one of the most beautifully powerful voices, in like ever, so trying to one-up that means you are crusin' for a bruisin' to your ego.
I will say that Todric has the best stage presence of any of the contestants. He seems genuinely comfortable and at ease with working the audience and the stage while still delivering vocally. I also like what he's wearing, even though Simon feels the need to point out his "silly gloves".
Again, Simon's taste in hairstyle is just as evolved as his taste in fashion and my feelings remain intact.
The judges generally like it and Simon remarks that "at least he performed" unlike the "boring" showings from some others.
You have officially been SERVED.
And FINALLY, we have Michael Lynche performing "This Woman's Work" by Kate Bush.
I'm really losing steam at this point in the show so little of what I wrote down from last night is coherent. I'm just gonna transcribe as best I can based on the scribble jotted down in my notebook…
Returning from commercial break the camera opens with Ryan frozen in a crouching position, inches from the face of an audience member, awaiting his cue to introduce the next performance, all of which we can see and hear. Trust me, it was weird. Weird, though completely common place anymore. Ryan mentions something about Michael evolving from a "Pussy cat to a Lion" and then quickly adds "Simon's words, not mine"
Right. Like, I'm sooooooo sure.
I think he performs well but I'm more enraptured by his clothing of choice for the evening which seems to be something you might find in the Funeral-Casual section at Macy's, if such a department existed…
note to self: start work on Funeral-Casual clothing line.
ANYWHO, the crowd is standing, the judges love it and Kara?
Kara is BLUB-BERING.
The song has brought her to tears.
UGH. these two...
Between the ferocious hugging and the uncontrollable sobbing, the female judges are looking highly unstable this evening. Simon declares this performance is the "best so far of the live shows"
And I thank Jeebus that it's over.
I'm gonna need some real incentive to stick with this for next week because watching tonight's show was BRUTAL.
My picks to go home?
Casey and Tim (mainly because I'm not gonna stop rallying for him to go even though it will probably be Alex)
If I haven't completely turned you off this show altogether, check in next week for another AI Recap!